That Look

Matty blogged, so I'm gonna blog. I guess it's just the cool thing to do right now.

If you're a man, then chances are you have a mother, it's science. As a man, a son, we hate to let our mother's down. Heck even Jesus didn't let His mother down, remember that whole Wedding Feast at Cana, yea He stepped up and did as He was told. There is something about making our mothers' cry that just eats away at a son's soul; deep down it makes you feel so low.

My mom and I fight a lot, we're both Hispanic, it's in our blood to be hot headed and stubborn. I recall one argument in particular, my mom was upset at my sarcasm, rightfully so, and she dropped a bombshell on me. "When the doctor told me that I may have to watch my new baby undergo open heart surgery I cried, I didn't want you to go through that." Yea, that'll hit you like a sledge hammer square in the chest. But she has a point, here is a woman who quite literally sacrifices her life for my sake, and all I give back is daily sarcasm and the occasional "I love you."

Move to this past Summer. My mom went with me, as she always has, to my appointment with my Cardiologist. It was weird, I underwent my usual ECHO, but then I had to have another, and another, and one final one. They said they couldn't get the usual good image. Then we had the consult with the Dr. Slesnick. What happened next will forever be burned into my memory. The doctor was describing that the ECHO showed some new problems they had possibly anticipated one day but were never sure would manifest. He said he wanted me to have an MRI so they could have a better idea of what was happening and make decisions from that. He hinted that open heart surgery was a possibility. At that moment I looked over at my mom and I was struck by what I saw. Her was my mother, looking back at me, fighting with all her strength to hold back tears. She smiled, and that look she had on her face said two things: 1) "I love you." 2) "I'm sorry, I didn't desire this for you, but we'll make it through."

When my doctor finally told me I would have to have surgery, I called my mom to let her know. I didn't see her face to face until later that night. I walked in, she muted the TV and in her usual voice with a hint of sorrow said, "Hey bub..." I sat there and just talked with her about what was to come. Together we both fought back tears and weakness, we were strong for each other.

Looking back on the entire event, my family was there for me every step of the way. My brother, the man I look up to more than any other in the world, told me he looked up to me in that event. My dad, who had never cried in front of me, cried as I was wheeled away for surgery, and my mom, well she stood by me literally every step of the way.

In Sacraments we talk about signs and sacraments making manifest the mysteries of the faith in a manner which human beings can understand, so that we can briefly glimpse the face of God. Well in those days, especially that instance where my Cardiologist hinted at surgery.

I was able to compare my mother to God in her reaction to my surgery. You see when we sin, when we reject the love of God, He simply looks at us, tears in His eyes and says, "I love you, and I don't desire this for you, but we'll make it through." God never leaves us, even when we want nothing to do with Him. When I would be sarcastic to my mom, when I have upset her so much she has been moved to tears, she never leaves me. Every night in the hospital she was there, at 2 AM when this painful pain medicine was racing through my veins, she was there. When I walked out of that hospital on the 23rd of December, she was there.

In the darkest valleys, and glorious peaks, God is there, saying "I love you." I pray that you all see that look one day. For that briefest of seconds, because of someone making manifest the love of God in the world, you can glimpse the face of God. Will those brief looks, those moments of actual grace prevent you from sinning, no. But they will draw you deeper into a mystery of love so that when you do sin, you see it, you hate it, you cast it aside, you look back at God and say "I love you. Thank you. And let's do this together."

Frater Momento More